tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-125505872024-03-14T06:18:26.970+00:00Dead InterestingWhen I retired as a humanist celebrant I thought I'd stop writing this blog, but my fascination with all things death-related prompted more posts. They're just written from a slightly different perspective, that's all.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.comBlogger151125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-57010853869645967862023-08-02T18:17:00.001+01:002023-08-02T18:17:46.942+01:00A peaceful death <p> Actor Richard E Grant's account of the death of his wife Joan is lovely. She died at home, with him beside her, holding her hand, after he noticed it getting colder. His description of those last few moments of life will be familiar to many. Noise or fuss shouldn't intrude.</p><p>It's the sort of death that most of us wish for, when our time comes.</p><p>Read or listen to it <a href="https://www.npr.org/2023/08/01/1190701265/richard-e-grant-memoir-joan-washington-pocketful-of-happiness" target="_blank">here</a>.</p>Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-85134726742375338732021-07-06T18:07:00.000+01:002021-07-06T18:07:57.958+01:00Pronouns<p>There's currently a craze for preferred pronouns, which means that people who've adopted a gender identity expect others to refer to them by <a href="Quite glad I wasn't called upon to conduct a funeral for anyone with strong views about pronouns. It's only caught on since I retired. What the pronouned don't realise is that people will say what they like about them in their absence, alive or dead." target="_blank">pronouns</a> other than the usual ones. I wasn't called upon to conduct a funeral for anybody like that, fortunately, but what they and other people may not have considered is that you've no control about what other people say about you in your absence, alive or dead.</p>Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-6740410816137247682021-05-16T17:19:00.005+01:002022-04-02T17:46:08.927+01:00NamesA couple of posts ago I mentioned that I was going to write about dead-naming. So I am, but first, a bit about names in general.<p>I was named after my maternal grandmother, who died when I was still very young, so I don't remember much about her. I do remember that my mother loved her very much and that she'd be hurt if she thought that I didn't like my name or I'd changed it. But I'm happy with it and have kept it. It would be difficult to get used to a different one. If I'd been given a name like <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-outrageous-baby-names-parents-picked-in-2017_n_5b4eb4e5e4b0de86f487f824" target="_blank">one of the weird ones given by some American parents</a><a href="https://www.mylondon.news/news/celebs/jamie-olivers-unusual-names-children-20367842" target="_blank">,</a> I might have thought differently.</p><p>Like many other people, I've changed my surname, and like many other people, I changed it back again. My sister changed her surname twice, the first time when she married and the second time when she divorced. She also changed her forename because after her divorce she wanted a whole new life. That's not entirely possible, unless you move away and abandon your old life and all the people in it. You might do it if you were in witness protection, of course.</p><p>According to gender identity lore, there are two cardinal sins. The first is misgendering someone, or referring to them using the pronouns appropriate for their sex, which is different from their gender, which is an assumed characteristic or affectation. The second is dead-naming someone, which means using the name they had before they decided to transition from one gender to another. It's considered worse then a faux pas to accidentally use the former name of someone who's done this, apparently. </p><p>We write our own life stories. My memory is rather moth-eaten, but others may remind me of things I've forgotten or something will pop up. Some memories may be shared when family and friends gather to mark my death, assuming they do. When your flesh and blood is gone, memories persist. If you've had children, others may recognise familiar characteristics in them.</p><p>We've no control over what other people remember about us. When we die they'll think of the parts of our lives that we shared with them, good or bad. So whatever you call yourself, the person behind the name will still be there. You can no more erase the part of your life you shared with other people than you can erase your essential existence as a woman or a man. Your name won't be dead, just unused, except by other people who might forget, or not know.</p><p>So, the moral of this post, and I'm sorry but there is one, is that trying to control other people's thoughts or memories is the stuff of Orwellian nightmares, and no one is likely to remember you kindly. Your epitaph may reflect this.</p>Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-89063912698511411892021-05-15T15:25:00.002+01:002021-05-15T15:37:58.812+01:00Morbid? Me?<p>A friend who lives miles away emails often, expecting replies promptly, the way people used to write letters every day when the post was a primary means of communication. I understand that she's lonely, but hope that one a week might suffice. I've tried phoning, but she never answers. Anyway, in a recent email she wrote, "Yes, I do think it's a morbid interest of yours, your interest in death. Rather depressing too, to say the least!". I could imagine her holding her nose. She'd asked what I'd been reading, and I'd answered that I don't often read fiction and had bought Caitlin Doughty's book, '<a href="https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Caitlin-Doughty/Smoke-Gets-in-Your-Eyes--And-Other-Lessons-from-the-Crematorium/18938843" target="_blank">Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, and other lessons from the crematorium</a>', which I looked forward to reading. I replied to her comment:</p><div div=""></div><blockquote><div div="">My interest in death and dying relates to the work I did for over twenty years conducting funerals and meeting hundreds of interesting people that I interviewed about their relatives. I heard some very interesting life stories and a lot of social history. The youngest person I did a funeral for was a stillborn baby - that was sad - and the oldest was over a hundred. I met some lovely people in the funeral trade who are kind, caring and sometimes very funny. When you're doing a job like that you need to be able to laugh sometimes. So no, it's not morbid and it's not depressing, though sometimes sad. I wouldn't have done it if it depressed me. I'm also interested in the social history of death, and in poetry and other writing about bereavement.</div><div><br /></div><div dir="">I think my interest in death was first piqued by a book that's now out of print about the Hunter Brothers, who were pioneering surgeons in 18th century London. One of them did some extraordinary dissections, which I saw on a visit to the Royal College of Surgeons Museum when I was an art student. We were taken there by our anatomy teacher, a retired surgeon. I believe the collection is now in <a href="https://wellcomecollection.org/" target="_blank">The Wellcome Collection</a>.</div><div dir=""></div></blockquote><div dir="">Don't suppose that'll change her mind about my morbid interest.</div>Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-6093013979851631502019-03-27T17:32:00.007+00:002023-05-22T09:10:53.843+01:00My 15 minutes of fame, and what it was about<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>George Orwell </i></div>
</blockquote>
A post I wrote over a year ago, <a href="https://deadinteresting.blogspot.com/2018/01/death-doesnt-misgender-you-die-as-you.html" target="_blank">Death doesn't misgender. You die as you were born</a>, attracted the ire of transgender activists who'd presumably found it through <a href="https://twitter.com/Flashmaggie" target="_blank">my Twitter profile</a> while they were taking exception to what I'd written there. On February 4th I had a phone call from a woman police officer who told me there'd been complaints about the blog post and some tweets, including one that read "Gender is BS". During a brief conversation we established that I'd done nothing illegal and had no intention of self-censoring to avoid upsetting whoever had complained, and we left it at that. Then I tweeted about it, and things went mad. Fellow gender critics shared my tweet, which attracted a lot more followers (from a couple of hundred to over four thousand), and I had another phone call, this time from James Kirkup, who writes for The Spectator, among other publications. <a href="https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/why-are-the-police-stopping-a-74-year-old-tweeting-about-transgenderism/" target="_blank">He wrote about it</a>. Subsequently the story was shared in various other newspapers, in the UK and abroad, and in podcasts and on ITV regional news. And it was all because of a very brief, non-threatening phone call. The publicity resulted in a call from a Detective Chief Superintendent, who rang to apologise and tell me that they'd "got it wrong". I've seen no reason to tweet any differently since then, and several people, including a professional pathologist, agreed that my blog post was entirely accurate; you do die as the same sex as you were born.<br />
<br />
I got off lightly. Some police forces appear to have had "training", which is more like indoctrination, from organisations who give the impression that they're experts, but aren't. They're pressure groups staffed by people without any appropriate professional qualifications. West Yorkshire, Humberside, Liverpool and Sussex police have all had visits from these people. Some have apparently been motivated by a small minority of transgender officers, maybe even only one or two. Consequently they've acted as conduits for complaints from trans activists who spend a lot of time trawling through the Internet on the lookout for anything to complain about. As <a href="http://www.cps.gov.uk/crime-info/hate-crime" target="_blank">the law on so-called hate crime is rather woolly</a> it's relatively easy to make an allegation of "causing distress" - one of the indications of a "hate incident" - and they do. So while I was let off with the suggestion that I might be more careful, in other words not upset anyone, others haven't been so fortunate. Death threats have been made, as well as complaints.<br />
<br />
One benefit of the hoo-ha, as far as I'm concerned, is that I've met some lovely people online, feminists and allies, who mostly have a healthy sense of humour and of the ridiculous as well as being angry about the absurdity. It's struck me that transgender activists seem to lack a sense of humour and are generally unhappy people, which is sad.<br />
<br />
I was going to write about transgenderism and what's wrong with it on my other blog, but no point in that when others have done so much better than I. <a href="https://quillette.com/2018/12/04/the-new-patriarchy-how-trans-radicalism-hurts-women-children-and-trans-people-themselves/" target="_blank">A comprehensive account by Helen Joyce is one of the best</a>. It's a long read, but worth it.<br />
<br />
My next post here will be about <a href="https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/deadname" target="_blank">dead-naming</a>, as I thought it appropriate in a blog about death. Watch this space.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-79035147589623152322018-06-20T14:44:00.000+01:002018-06-20T14:44:19.805+01:00Jemima<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg_ZuKXGZHmDe4bBfcOX-QvikRCKMEgCBneOGe6WhD929bks2s8iDKqmq3ZRGoiYA9hIx_tkt9WQjjme9BN3NxbEXfdOUTqk7cZnwQAqocOy0d5O-9Bnojvi1ukbbDOQaKI2j3jg/s1600/Jemima.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg_ZuKXGZHmDe4bBfcOX-QvikRCKMEgCBneOGe6WhD929bks2s8iDKqmq3ZRGoiYA9hIx_tkt9WQjjme9BN3NxbEXfdOUTqk7cZnwQAqocOy0d5O-9Bnojvi1ukbbDOQaKI2j3jg/s400/Jemima.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
There are broken bits of commemorative stonework lying around the village church walls. It's sad to see memorials for those who died young but even sadder to see that whatever was left of someone has ended up as a weed suppressant. Who was she?Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-30858734858620955022018-06-18T16:51:00.001+01:002023-07-12T20:30:46.812+01:00Body snatchers, and how they were thwarted<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnKoeexkq1net_8g89LELhw0Mq1c0tiqEnj-e47FN_nFNgQAVlYAaoJeUYi8pJmzLBlE3pORGWox1Aaj4rdNVedclLZ_y-zrn0S5DwC7DP6Xh9UwQHIA0G8f09PGT0plGfiwzBQ/s1600/mortsafe.jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="626" data-original-width="880" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglnKoeexkq1net_8g89LELhw0Mq1c0tiqEnj-e47FN_nFNgQAVlYAaoJeUYi8pJmzLBlE3pORGWox1Aaj4rdNVedclLZ_y-zrn0S5DwC7DP6Xh9UwQHIA0G8f09PGT0plGfiwzBQ/s320/mortsafe.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: left;">Mortsafe in Towie churchyard, Aberdeenshire</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Before the Anatomy Act of 1832, trainee doctors and surgeons relied on body-snatchers to supply them with corpses for dissection. This was at a time when many people believed that you wouldn't be allowed into heaven if your body wasn't intact, so the thought of their loved ones' remains being desecrated horrified them. <a href="https://wellcomecollection.org/articles/WxfvsiQAACcAY5Kp" target="_blank">This photo is from an interesting article about the lengths that some people went to, to prevent the bodies of their newly dead loved ones from being stolen</a>. When a body had rotted, it was of little interest to the anatomists, so was left in peace.<br />
<br />
My body may be of use to the trainee doctors at Cambridge University, so I've bequeathed it to them. You can do the same - see the link on the right.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-89393284292274311602018-04-09T17:56:00.000+01:002018-04-09T17:56:35.199+01:00Wise words about the process of dying<div class="tr_bq">
Dr Mannix explains what happens.</div>
<blockquote class="twitter-video" data-lang="en">
<div dir="ltr" lang="en">
Doctor Kathryn Mannix on why we need to talk about death. <a href="https://t.co/TlFgCB78Lm">pic.twitter.com/TlFgCB78Lm</a></div>
— BBC (@BBC) <a href="https://twitter.com/BBC/status/981788563296710657?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 5, 2018</a></blockquote>
<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js"></script>
When the video appeared on Facebook someone commented "Hardly comforting to hear this. Death is traumatic at every level - and always will be." Sad to hear someone feels this way but I suppose it's quite common. When someone's killed in traumatic circumstances, such as being horribly injured in a war, obviously that's different, but "always will be" just isn't true.<br />
<br />
Sure Dr Mannix would approve of this quote:<br />
<blockquote style="text-align: right;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
Perhaps the best cure for the fear of death is to reflect that life has a beginning as well as an end. There was a time when we were not: this gives us no concern—why then should it trouble us that a time will come when we shall cease to be? . . . To die is only to be as we were before we were born; yet no one feels any remorse, or regret, or repugnance, in contemplating this last idea. It is rather a relief and disburthening of the mind: it seems to have been holiday-time with us then: we were not called upon to appear upon the stage of life, to wear robes or tatters, to laugh or cry, be hooted or applauded; we had lain perdus all this while, snug, out of harm’s way; and had slept out our thousands of centuries without wanting to be waked up; at peace and free from care, in a long nonage, in a sleep deeper and calmer than that of infancy, wrapped in the finest and softest dust. And the worst that we dread is, after a short, fretful, feverish being, after vain hopes, and idle fears, to sink to final repose again, and forget the troubled dream of life!</div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote style="text-align: right;">
On the Fear of Death, William Hazlitt, 1778-1830.</blockquote>
Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-50080562011997301252018-01-19T23:12:00.005+00:002023-05-21T23:26:43.316+01:00Death doesn't misgender. You die as you were born.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5cOph4leY35YU25mnYfL_8eFPsuIuIAKUKMLOce-wzQBx3ZDTzf-pvOK5G6tvM6q_dt4vhHuq52lgUHqARFpzn3iR7G5-xHcsXyTEGr8AZsw-7gMCVtjwwLQcypnLX7JDuIYaA/s1600/TWAW.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="219" data-original-width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5cOph4leY35YU25mnYfL_8eFPsuIuIAKUKMLOce-wzQBx3ZDTzf-pvOK5G6tvM6q_dt4vhHuq52lgUHqARFpzn3iR7G5-xHcsXyTEGr8AZsw-7gMCVtjwwLQcypnLX7JDuIYaA/s1600/TWAW.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
In a discussion (if you can call it that) about transgenderism and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/oct/18/theresa-may-plans-to-let-people-change-gender-without-medical-checks" target="_blank">the proposed changes to the Gender Recognition Act</a> on Twitter, the tweet above was aimed at me. It'll be familiar to those of you who question the claim, since it's been repeated umpteen times by irritable transgender people and their chums. According to them, anyone who dares to question the assertion that you can change your sex, whether from male to female or female to male, is a "transphobe", or we "misgender" people, or worse. These absurd beliefs are nonsensical and deny all the evidence to the contrary.<br />
<br />
When I die my body should be sent to the teacher of anatomy at The University of Cambridge, as it's been bequeathed for medical education. For how to donate your body, see the link on the right. I wrote <i>should </i>be sent, as it may not be accepted if they have a glut of cadavers or if it's not in good enough condition. The medical students who dissect my body will discover that I was a woman, as I have female anatomy, minus a couple of bits. I have no uterus, as it was removed years ago, and only one breast, as I've had a mastectomy. But there will be no doubt that it was a female body.<br />
<br />
If a transgender person's body was dissected, either for medical education or a post-mortem examination, his or her sex would also be obvious to a student or pathologist. Not the sex that he or she chose to present as, but his or her natal sex; the sex that he or she was born with. <a href="https://naturalhistory.si.edu/education/teaching-resources/written-bone/skeleton-keys/male-or-female#:~:text=However%2C%20the%20pelvis%20is%20the,sex%2C%20though%20slightly%20less%20reliably.&text=The%20differences%20between%20a%20male%20and%20female%20pelvis%20are%20compared%20below." target="_blank">Even when a body has been buried for a very long time, so that there is no soft tissue left, only bone, it is still possible to identify the sex</a>. DNA and characteristics such as the shape of the pelvis will be clear proof of the sex of the corpse. Any surgery that had been intended to make someone appear different from his or her biological sex, the sex they were born with, will make no difference. It will still be obvious. There is a very small number of people who are described as intersex, because their anatomy isn't typical of a male or female, but their existence doesn't validate the claim that a man can be a woman or vice versa. <a href="http://www.isna.org/faq/transgender" target="_blank">They are very different from transgender people</a>. So no, in life or in death, trans women are not women, no matter how many times you say it's so. It's simply impossible to change your sex.<br />
<br />
Gender is different. Gender roles are determined by convention, culture, tradition, the family, and a whole bunch of other variables. It's not so much what sex you were born with as where you were born, the society you were raised in, and how independent you are or are allowed to be. In countries like ours, Great Britain, we have more freedom to follow our interests and express ourselves as we please. In other countries, such as the Islamic theocracies, unconventional people risk punishment or even death. So transgender people are fortunate if they live in relatively liberal societies. They can express themselves as they please. But this doesn't mean that claiming to be what you're not is any more ethical, or that it's ethical to claim rights that disadvantage others, such as women's hard-won rights. We are entitled to our safe spaces, to representation in women's organisations, including political ones, to prizes and awards specifically for women, and to compete on equal terms in athletics and sports where male physical strength and size would put us at a disadvantage. And there are very good reasons why there are separate prisons for men or women, and no good reasons to change this.<br />
<br />
So, in conclusion, you die as you were born, whichever sex that was. That's a fact.<br />
<br />
<i>If the skeleton in the image was a real skeleton, and it could be properly examined, you could tell if it was male or female, though Christians generally assume that the Angel of Death is male, like their God. <a href="http://www.startrek.com/database_article/dax-j" target="_blank">Jadzia Dax</a> wouldn't have made this sort of fuss.</i><br />
<br />
<b>Update, 2/10/19</b><br />
It's now possible to determine the sex of a skeleton from its tooth enamel. <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-49672855" target="_blank">The Lovers of Modena</a>, who died about 1,500 years ago, have been identified as men, not a heterosexual couple.
<div><br /></div><div><b>Update, 29/5/2021</b></div><div>Sara Dahlen, MSc Student, Bioethics and Society, King's College, London, <a href="https://www.bmj.com/content/373/bmj.n1261/rapid-responses" target="_blank">to the BMJ</a>, on the importance of knowing a patient’s sex before medical treatment:<br />"If an unknown patient comes in to A&E, unaccompanied and unconscious, their gender identity would not be ascertainable. However, their sex would remain observable, and would make a difference to that patient’s care."</div>Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-79127070405806129792017-12-28T16:20:00.000+00:002017-12-28T16:20:51.003+00:00You just never know when you'll go...Lucius Annaeus Seneca, known as Seneca the Younger, who lived in Rome from about 4 BC to AD 65, wrote about the fear of death:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
No one is so ignorant as not to know that he must die one day … You will go where all things go … This happened to your father, your mother, your ancestors, everyone who came before you; it will happen to everyone who comes after you. A succession that is never broken and which no power can change has bound all things and draws them all together … did you not imagine that you yourself would not at some time arrive at that point to which you were always travelling? There is no journey without an ending.</blockquote>
My mum died of a cerebral haemorrhage on Christmas Eve 1990, minutes after demonstrating to some children at a Christmas party that she could still kick her own height at the age of seventy-seven. It was six months after my dad died of cancer, ending a year's suffering, and Mum had declared that she didn't want to go like him, so she got her wish, though it was a shock for us. I've known people react with disbelief when a relative died at Christmas, spoiling their holiday, but death doesn't care.<br />
<br />There are some lessons about life and death <a href="http://www.macleans.ca/society/life/what-writing-500-obituaries-taught-us-about-living/" target="_blank">from the obituaries in the Canadian publication, MacLean's</a> by Michael Friscolanti. He wrote that he learned:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Find love, if possible, and follow that love wherever it leads. Be yourself, whoever that is. When the bell tolls, money really does mean nothing. The reaper doesn’t accept bribes. Don’t feel sorry for yourself (and if you must, keep it short). </blockquote>
This is just a summary - click on the link for more.<br /><br />None of us knows how long we've got, so <a href="https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/carpe_diem" target="_blank">Carpe Diem</a> folks, and Happy New Year. Oh, and to save any confusion, <a href="https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/writing-a-will-your-options" target="_blank">make a will</a>.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-65729090138790271562017-04-05T15:39:00.001+01:002017-07-14T18:06:45.984+01:00How will you die?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyevppNngAot7wGwoRBBubQCHKRCWvMSSKZxt-tvh_pzLRLmKGDYIN2S8ptPwWTyUYBd9S3i3FS9Z8XLy0thGdQzmgLiPvl_gpdcxsR9mX-Oj_eOvWmYEL8Sj1Kv2knG8BQoOeQ/s1600/tear.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="50" data-original-width="50" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyyevppNngAot7wGwoRBBubQCHKRCWvMSSKZxt-tvh_pzLRLmKGDYIN2S8ptPwWTyUYBd9S3i3FS9Z8XLy0thGdQzmgLiPvl_gpdcxsR9mX-Oj_eOvWmYEL8Sj1Kv2knG8BQoOeQ/s1600/tear.png" /></a>Just read a report about another celebrity who's "sadly died". Sadly dying, rather than just dying, is a clichéd way to go. I'd prefer to die without elaboration. Someone on Twitter suggested they just use this.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-2016618364853626502016-08-29T11:16:00.001+01:002020-02-08T22:23:34.449+00:00High rise cemetery<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is the Memorial Necrópole Ecumênica in Santos, Brazil, a mausoleum housing thousands of bodies. I suppose that buildings like "the world's tallest cemetery" might appeal to planners in places where burial space is limited or unavailable, but I can't see British local authorities approving them, even if they were only a few storeys high. Can you imagine the fuss from the nimbys?<br />
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<a href="http://www.butterfliesandwheels.org/2011/not-so-clean-not-so-dry/">Bodies placed into crypts above ground decompose in a small space, releasing fluids and gases.</a> If they're not properly sealed they can explode, as has happened. It's been described as a "clean and dry" way to dispose of the dead, but it's anything but. It's certainly not environmentally-friendly and won't appeal to those who want to be returned to Nature, as a corpse buried in the ground is. It's ironic that the crypts in this building facing a pleasant view of the surrounding hills attract a higher price, while no one is encouraged to think about the reality of the process. Yuk. No thanks.<br />
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<b><a href="https://aeon.co/videos/rethinking-architecture-for-the-dead-views-from-the-world-s-tallest-cemetery">Click here to see a short film about the building</a></b>.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-33111163370248358292016-07-28T14:17:00.000+01:002016-07-28T14:17:26.380+01:00Death from a scientific point of view<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A friend died not long ago. He wasn't a close friend, and I only met him face to face two or three times, but he was the sort of person you don't forget in a hurry, mainly because of his paradoxical character; outwardly a misanthrope but a generous, loving person in disguise. Over the last few years, Simon collected many friends via social media, mainly through Twitter and Facebook, and many of them socialised with him in real life, not just online. His Facebook page is still there and his closest friends are still sharing memories through it. <a href="https://tigerbaps.com/2016/07/23/what-i-didnt-do-on-my-holidays/">Today I found that one had written a blog post mentioning him</a> and quoting something that made sense to a heathen like me. Simon would have liked it too, as the confirmed atheist that he was. It's by Aaron Freeman, who broadcasts with America's NPR radio station.<br />
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You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.<br />
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And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him/her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let him/her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her/his eyes, that those photons created within her/him constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.<br />
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And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.<br />
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And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.<br />
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© 2005, <a href="http://www.npr.org/">NPR.org</a></blockquote>
<a href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4675953"><b>You can hear Freeman read this if you click here</b></a>.<br />
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There have been others who've pointed out that nothing ever disappears completely, and that the stuff we are made of is recycled, including the 17th century French orator, Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet:<br />
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All things summon us to death: nature, almost envious of the good she has given us, tells us often and gives us notice that she cannot for long allow us that scrap of matter she has lent. . . she has need of it for other forms, she claims it back for other works.</blockquote>
Bossuet was a bishop and a theologian, so Simon might not have approved of me quoting him, but even bishops have been known to talk sense.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-81375890502590281052016-07-01T15:42:00.000+01:002018-04-04T16:18:11.301+01:00The ways of God are strange!<div style="text-align: left;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: left;">57,000 casualties were sustained on the first day of the battle</td></tr>
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It's the 100th anniversary of The Battle of the Somme today. The event at The Thiepval Memorial in France shown on TV was moving but although it included a reading from Sassoon and stressed the loss of so many ordinary working men, it didn't make any reference to the cynicism of some soldiers, the desertions, the suicides and the minds wrecked by what we now call "post-traumatic stress disorder", which was then called "shell shock". Yes, there are many tales of heroism under fire, but what about all the other stories?<br />
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<b>They</b><br />
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The Bishop tells us: 'When the boys come back<br />
They will not be the same; for they'll have fought<br />
In a just cause: they lead the last attack<br />
On Anti-Christ; their comrades' blood has bought<br />
New right to breed an honourable race,<br />
They have challenged Death and dared him face to face.'<br />
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'We're none of us the same!' the boys reply.<br />
'For George lost both his legs; and Bill's stone blind;<br />
Poor Jim's shot through the lungs and like to die;<br />
And Bert's gone syphilitic: you'll not find<br />
A chap who's served that hasn't found some change.'<br />
And the Bishop said: 'The ways of God are strange!'<br />
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Siegfried Sassoon, 1916</blockquote>
Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-56693384411947497532016-05-25T23:39:00.004+01:002024-03-13T11:12:56.158+00:00Just passing by<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In all the years that I've written funeral scripts, I've never used the euphemism "passed away" rather than "died". Apart from a feeling that it's religious, suggesting that you're going to end up somewhere else, like heaven, rather than simply being dead, I've never been convinced that it makes things any easier for the bereaved to accept their loss. I've read that it's supposed to be a "gentler" term than saying that someone's died. No one's complained about it, or suggested that I should say something different. Rather, I've sensed a sense of relief that I haven't used that sort of language.<br />
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The term is being used by journalists in news reports. I find it as irritating as the common reference to anyone dying of cancer as having "lost the battle" or "fighting" their illness. As has been said by various people with cancer, including me, you don't die of it because you didn't try hard enough.<br />
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I read that funeral directors have noticed the term being used more often since about the 1970s. If that's true I suspect that it's due to a general reluctance to accept the reality of death and the consequent pain of loss. Some people seem to regard grief as a form of mental illness that should be treated with pharmaceuticals, rather than a natural reaction to losing someone you've loved. Pain, of any sort, shouldn't happen, they seem to think, and using "gentle" euphemisms might help to avoid too much of it. Except that it doesn't work. You've no control over grief. Suppressing it <i>will </i>make you ill.<br />
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One of my favourite journalists is <a href="https://www.goldfarbpod.com/" target="_blank">Michael Goldfarb</a>, who wrote on Facebook,<br />
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When did the verb “to die” and the nouns derived from it—dead, death, etcetera — get excised from American usage to be replaced by “to pass.”<br />
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Wind gets passed. I hereby authorize all 500 plus of my Facebook friends to say of me, when the moment comes, that “Michael died, is dead, his death was a tragedy,” etcetera. Please don’t say, “I’ve passed.” If you need a euphemism, say “I’ve shuffled,” as in shuffled off this mortal coil.</blockquote>
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"Wind gets passed" - I like that. One day I'll die. I won't be passing anywhere except, probably, the dissection room at Cambridge medical school before they dispose of what's left of me in a suitably hygienic manner. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">Image: 'The Last Dream', a monument by J. Edwards to the Late Miss Hutton of Sowber Hill near Northallerton. </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">Nice to see that she changed into her nightie before passing away.</span></div>
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Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-72184510521546948802016-05-12T16:08:00.001+01:002016-05-12T16:13:55.029+01:00Wisdom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-46006358767346547822016-03-23T18:23:00.000+00:002016-04-07T21:14:48.813+01:00Flowers and candles - what good do they do?<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Floral tributes near the Bataclan concert hall in Paris</span></span><span style="font-size: 12.8px; text-align: left;"> </span></td></tr>
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The latest terrorist attack in Belgium has had various reactions, from predictable shock and horror, especially from those directly affected, to crowds gathered to assert their defiance against Daesh's threats. In Belgium and in Paris, and earlier in London, some have left flowers, hand-written messages and lit candles to express their sympathy with the families and friends of the dead and injured. As a friend in the funeral trade once observed, these public expressions of sympathy seemed to begin with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hillsborough_disaster">the Hillsborough disaster in 1989</a>, when fans left their club scarves and other tributes on the gates of the stadium. Now almost every tragic death, from single road accident victims to multiple murder victims, seems to be marked with an assortment of objects; flowers, soft toys, candles, and more. It's become conventional to do this, so that if a tragedy doesn't attract a roadside pile of stuff, you might be forgiven for thinking that no one cared about it. Since 2006, Twitter has enabled messages of sympathy to be posted online; the Internet equivalent of flowers and candles.<br />
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Who benefits from all this? Isn't it enough to feel sorry for those affected, without feeling obliged to demonstrate it in some way? Does it make any difference to those who are bereaved? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't help feeling that it's like a kind of emotional blackmail. If you don't join the throng, you don't care? That's plainly not true. Is it something that will gradually fade away, just as the rotting flowers do? Will all the little metal cups that held the candles float away in the rain, and the sentiment they expressed go back to where it began, in the minds of those who cared?<br />
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In today's Guardian, Anne Perkins suggests that when terror strikes, you might consider <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/23/brussels-attacks-public-grief-exhibitionism">doing something useful</a>.<br />
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The urge to solidarity is a very powerful one. It’s why humans are such a successful species. But at some point the genuine if emotional gesture can teeter over into something else altogether. It becomes another version of exhibitionism. It stops being motivated by an outward-looking desire to demonstrate collective resistance and slides into the self-absorbed projection of the individual into whatever event of the day is shocking or enthralling.</blockquote>
Express your sympathy by giving blood, or donate money to <a href="http://www.redcross.org.uk/Donate-Now/Regular-Giving-Appeals?gclid=CjwKEAjw_ci3BRDSvfjortr--DQSJADU8f2jo9gmSsAi3SSC0mBMdDOh6POpgI4wO-WMYpDdUSKU2RoCBtvw_wcB">the Red Cross</a> or the air ambulance that ferries the injured to hospital. If all the money that was spent on flowers, candles and cuddly toys was donated to organisations that help people affected by disaster, they'd be a lot better off.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Picture: Steve Parsons/PA Wire/Press Association Images</span></i></div>
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Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-79916084039547279212016-03-15T17:20:00.001+00:002016-03-15T19:01:19.908+00:00On ending up as litter when you're dead<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="248" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zD_Jlb5SGCs" width="440"></iframe><br />
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<a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2009/07/ashes-rockets-and-paperweights.html">I've previously written about how scattering ashes</a> (otherwise known as "cremains") qualifies as litter. It's tricky, because bereaved people get understandably upset if thwarted when trying to mark a loss with soggy teddy bears, plastic flowers, wind-chimes and so on. They're likely to get even more upset if you try to tell them that scattering Mum's ashes on a favourite walk isn't such a good idea. To some people, bereavement seems to mean a licence to do as you please, no matter what the consequences.<br />
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Another form of litter spread by bereaved people is the floating kind - <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/deadly-litter-to-mark-death.html">balloons and sky lanterns</a>. Both of these are a menace. Balloons can end up anywhere and many fall into rivers or the sea, where they're ingested by birds and mammals, killing them. Sky lanterns can cause fires (and have done) and the frameworks can kill livestock if accidentally eaten. Some farmers report the loss of very valuable animals.<br />
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I was reminded of all of this today while watching <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007xp0w">Griff Rhys Jones on TV</a>, talking about a volunteer who spends a lot of his time on the top of Snowden, clearing up litter. People leave plastic bottles, fag ends, chewing gum, and all sorts of rubbish up there. They also leave human ashes, oblivious to the damage they cause. Ashes affect the ecology of the mountain. As Jones pointed out, they're not the same as the rocks; they're more fertile. Meanwhile, the mountain rangers report that, some days, they go up there and it looks like a dusting of frost, there are so many ashes lying about. The plastic flowers that are sometimes left with them are totally inappropriate. As Griff says, "Snowdon is not a public memorial in the sky."<br />
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If you were thinking of suggesting to your nearest and dearest that you'd like your ashes scattered where you used to enjoy all those lovely family picnics, think again. They can bury them under a tree (one that they've bought to plant for the purpose, and with permission) or keep them in a jar. Anything, in fact, except litter with them.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-10202213507622027812016-01-01T15:03:00.000+00:002016-01-01T15:03:01.599+00:00Think upon eternity...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Memento mori, c. 1640, with thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/ChickAndTheDead">La Petite Mort-ician</a>.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-63892603489265063312015-10-26T14:40:00.000+00:002015-10-26T15:38:41.218+00:00Body disposal - the greenest options?I've blogged about body disposal before, including <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2005/10/freeze-drying-bodies.html">freeze-drying</a>, <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/making-room-for-dead.html">ossuaries</a>, <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/theres-cremation-and-theres-bio.html">'bio-cremation'</a> and <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2007/05/green-burial.html">'green' burial</a>. With population increase comes the increasing problem of what to do with corpses, when space is limited. Britain and Japan (for obvious reasons) favour cremation more than most other countries. In <a href="https://theconversation.com/live-long-die-green-and-leave-a-biodegradable-corpse-37072">an article in The Conversation, Professor Robert Young of the University of Salford writes</a> that about 80% of the British request cremation due to lack of space, but I don't think that this is strictly true. It was the reason that cremation was originally introduced to Great Britain in the late 19th century, when municipal cemeteries were full. There was a lot of resistance to the idea at the time, mainly from the churches, but the Cremation Act was passed in 1902. It's true that it's a popular choice now, but I think that this has less to do with a shortage of burial space than with a general reluctance to stand beside an open grave at a funeral, which some people find repellent. Cremation happens inside a nice warm building where the coffin disappears behind the scenes so you don't have to think too hard about what's happening to it. Silly, but out of sight, out of mind, is a common attitude.<br />
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I was interested in one point made by the professor in his article; that the energy used to cremate one person is equal to the energy they use in one month when alive. "In the UK this translates to a yearly energy consumption of a town of 16,000 people."<br />
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When I filled in the forms for <a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2005/12/cadavers-wanted.html">my body bequest</a>, I requested the burial of my remains when the students have finished with them. I had a choice between burial or cremation. Other options, such as freeze-drying, would be either too complicated or expensive for the medical school, I assume. However, if there's a glut of cadavers when I pop my clogs and they reject my body, my nearest and dearest will have to organise a funeral. Since a funeral pyre in the back garden is probably out of the question, an alternative must be chosen. I trust them to make the best choice, considering cost and climate change. This is one decision I'm happy to avoid.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-62212720681743254212015-08-04T15:18:00.001+01:002015-08-04T15:18:46.095+01:00Funeral flowers<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/flashmaggie/20279204212/in/dateposted-public/" title="Funeral flowers"><img alt="Funeral flowers" height="337" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/285/20279204212_d1a56fc17a.jpg" width="500" /></a><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>
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I don't usually have funeral flowers on my windowsill but after a friend's funeral yesterday his family didn't want to take them home on a long car journey and decided that I should have them. My windowsill's the only space big enough.<br />
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I was surprised that my friend's daughter had chosen this floral tribute, as my friend had stipulated in his will that he didn't want a lot of money spent on his funeral - just a cardboard coffin and no flowers. These would have cost well over £100. However, he wasn't to know, was he?<br />
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Funeral flowers used to serve a practical purpose; their perfume helped to mask the smell of decomposition. Maybe these will help to mask the smell of any dead rodents my cats have hidden around the house.<br />
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My friend <a href="https://plus.google.com/+MegLocsin/posts">Meg</a> has found another form of floral tribute, <a href="http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2013/05/a-japanese-ad-agency-reinvents-advertising-for-funeral-services/">invented by a Japanese ad agency</a>. I like it.<br />
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<br />Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-39085459340648104892015-06-03T01:21:00.000+01:002018-06-18T03:37:37.277+01:00Dying without an appointment<div class="tr_bq">
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… Not a whit, we defy augury; there’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ‘tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all.</div>
William Shakespeare, Hamlet</blockquote>
Doctors do their best, mostly, but they can't always live up to other people's expectations. If you're really ill, you might ask how long you've got, but I don't think I'd bother, nor would I encourage my nearest and dearest to ask, unless my death was imminent and they needed to go and top up a parking meter or visit the loo.</div>
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I forget who it was, but I did hear a story about a woman who was given months to live and was still alive twenty years later. Doesn't happen often, but it happens. Another story, told to me by his widow, was about a man who died within days of being taken ill. He'd had an undiagnosed cancer. It wasn't so much the suddenness of it that upset her, as having to have a post mortem. As a Jew whose relatives had been subjected to medical experimentation in a Nazi concentration camp, she hated the thought of him being sliced open.<br />
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Trouble is, medicine isn't an exact science and you can't always predict how our bodies will behave. <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jun/02/doctors-predict-patient-die-prognosis-wrong" target="_blank">A consultant neurologist explains why doctors get prognoses wrong</a>:<br />
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Every patient is different, every disorder is different, every disorder within a disorder is different. People are unpredictable, their illness even more so. But there exist other subtleties that are harder to admit to.</blockquote>
If you develop a life-threatening illness, you might write a bucket list, give away all your belongings, or even plan to go to <a href="http://www.dignitas.ch/?lang=en" target="_blank">Dignitas</a>. The latter involves assuming that you'll deteriorate fairly quickly, but there's no way of knowing that. If you didn't commit suicide, you might experience remission and be around for years.<br />
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Then there's all the rubbish about bravely "fighting" an illness, usually cancer, or the other euphemism - losing a "battle". It's all such twaddle.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz53eT_evXCpVQUImGNvWCw4E5T8lGDz8mxGqitlQvVMAl6VaNg-KX3B-RevcL2TSyvpOGKewFqOriyD5U42OQHpoh55x1wCX8k_iGOa5m77X0F7iZszZUm_hRg1aGFXNqwZukDA/s1600/hourglass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz53eT_evXCpVQUImGNvWCw4E5T8lGDz8mxGqitlQvVMAl6VaNg-KX3B-RevcL2TSyvpOGKewFqOriyD5U42OQHpoh55x1wCX8k_iGOa5m77X0F7iZszZUm_hRg1aGFXNqwZukDA/s1600/hourglass.jpg" /></a>Thinking about the causes of death of the people whose funerals I've conducted, a significant proportion have had illnesses that lasted months or years, yet enjoyed life in spite of it. Some have been very old, and were just worn out and glad to go. Some have just gone - whoosh! - struck down by a heart attack, cerebral haemorrhage (like my mum), or a lorry. There's no point speculating about how you'll die. Concentrate on living, and don't expect your doctor to give you an appointment for anything other than a consultation.<br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Illustration © M Nelson 2000</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-76355993312376738052015-06-01T15:04:00.000+01:002015-06-05T20:34:01.754+01:00The Shrewsbury babies' missing ashes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: left;">A pencil drawing of stillborn twins</td></tr>
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Shropshire Co-operative Funeralcare and Emstrey Crematorium don't seem to have sorted out their customer care. There are some very upset bereaved parents demanding to know why they weren't given their babies' ashes after cremation.<br />
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<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-shropshire-32955528" target="_blank">The review into Emstrey Crematorium in Shrewsbury began after the BBC found the ashes of only one baby out of 30 had been given to families since 2004</a>.</blockquote>
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When someone is cremated, what remains (usually called cremains) isn't ashes but pulverised bone. Everything else is vaporised in the intense heat of the furnace. The bones are raked out and put into a machine that grinds them up after any spare parts, such as metal screws and plates, are sorted out. The cremains can then be scattered or buried, or (in some cases) kept on your mantelpiece.</div>
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Small babies, whose bones haven't fully developed, don't leave anything to be pulverised after cremation. If there is anything left, it's dust. It's not an easy thing to explain to parents mourning the loss of a baby, even if most people weren't so squeamish, so maybe it's not always done well, if at all.</div>
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Sadly, the distress that a bereaved parent will naturally feel can become focussed on the lack of a grave or any tangible evidence that their baby existed. One mother is quoted as saying,</div>
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"It's just I have got nothing. I need to go where he is because my life isn't complete until I know where he is."</blockquote>
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When I miscarried at 18 weeks, a long time ago, I briefly fretted that my baby's tiny body had been pickled in a jar. I was told that wasn't true, and that he'd been "respectfully" disposed of. What almost certainly happened was that the body had gone into the hospital incinerator. A funeral director I know told me that they are sometimes contacted by bereaved parents decades after they lost their baby, asking where he or she is buried. It's only fairly recently that babies have been given individual graves, so it's not possible to tell them.</div>
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The Shrewsbury parents seem to have good reason to complain that they weren't properly informed, but what they need now isn't a box of ashes, which is impossible, but help to come to terms with what's happened.</div>
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The drawing (above) was my gift to the young parents of stillborn twins. It was copied from a photograph that was unsuitable for framing. I hope that the Shrewsbury parents have photographs, if nothing else.<br />
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<a href="https://www.uk-sands.org/node/829" target="_blank">Click here to read what SANDS (Stillbirth & neonatal death charity) says about cremation</a>.<br />
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<b>Update: 5/6/2015</b><br />
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<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/jun/05/parents-infant-ashes-emstrey-crematorium-shropshire" target="_blank">The story rumbles on in today's Guardian</a>. Parents accuse the crematorium staff of not telling the truth. It sounds more like a breakdown in communication and old cremators.<br />
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... by 2009 ... furnaces at Emstrey were decrepit. “The computer control system was archaic,” Jenkins said. “The system ran on obsolete floppy discs and staff had to recycle old computers to keep the system running.”<br />
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The report noted the cremators had no infant setting and staff did not realise they could override presets. Lower temperatures would have made it more likely that some infant remains could have been recovered. But Jenkins said environmental regulations may have banned that and other practises, such as cremating young children, at the start or end of the day.</blockquote>
What's meant by "some infant remains"? Burnt tissue? Is that really what you'd want to keep? I wonder if the parents have really considered what this means. Burning a cremator at a lower temperature has been described as "gentle" cremation, a euphemism meant to make the process sound pleasant.<br />
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In my experience, funeral directors and crematorium staff aren't unaffected by a baby's funeral. They are keenly aware of the parents' feelings, especially as most will have children themselves.<br />
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It seems to me that the buck stops with the funeral directors' funeral arrangers, who are responsible for making all the arrangements. They should know what is or isn't possible, and advise the families accordingly.<br />
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The moral is, if you want remains after the disposal of a small infant, don't cremate them, bury them.<br />
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Shropshire Council commissioned a report into what had happened. <b><a href="http://shropshire.gov.uk/media/1540025/Independent-inquiry-report.pdf">Click here to read it</a></b>.<br />
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A similar babies' ashes story has been told in Scotland - <b><a href="http://www.gov.scot/Resource/0045/00453055.pdf" target="_blank">click here to read about it</a></b>.</div>
Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-57727706495474390572015-05-28T15:37:00.000+01:002015-05-30T01:46:16.125+01:00If you don't think about it, maybe it'll never happen?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So death, the most terrifying of ills, is nothing to us,
since so long as we exist, death is not with us; but when death comes, then we
do not exist. It does not then concern either the living or the dead, since for
the former it is not, and the latter are no more. <span style="text-align: right;">― </span><a href="http://www.epicurus.net/" style="text-align: right;" target="_blank">Epicurus</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/18/few-britons-discuss-dying-and-plans-after-their-death-finds-survey" target="_blank">The Guardian reports on a poll</a> by the <a href="http://www.dyingmatters.org/" target="_blank">Dying Matters</a> Collective,<br />
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In a life of inevitabilities it is the most obviously inescapable fate of all, yet remarkably few Britons have discussed their death and its aftermath, according to a survey, with little more than a third having made a will.<br />
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While more than 30% of people think about their death at least once a week, nearly three-quarters believe their fellow Britons are uncomfortable discussing dying and bereavement...</blockquote>
You can contribute your thoughts on the matter, if you've had any, by answering some questions via Guardian Witness. Yes, I have made a will, and yes, I have made plans for my death, though not for my funeral, as that'll be up to those who survive me. I've always thought it odd to plan your own funeral. After all, I won't be there.<br />
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<a href="http://deadinteresting.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/if-you-havent-already-done-so-make-will.html" target="_blank">I've blogged about making a will</a>. Everyone should, especially if you have a family.<br />
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<b>Update, 30/5/2015</b><br />
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Just learned a new expression - <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terror_management_theory" target="_blank">TMT, or Terror Management Theory</a>.<br />
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In social psychology, terror management theory (TMT) proposes a basic psychological conflict that results from having a desire to live but realizing that death is inevitable. This conflict produces terror, and is believed to be unique to human beings.</blockquote>
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It's mentioned in <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/29/death-anxiety-don-t-fear-it" target="_blank">an article by Oliver Burkeman in The Guardian</a> and it reminded me of a quote from The Oxford Book of Death:</div>
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The human race is the only one that knows it must die, and it knows this only through its experience. A child brought up alone and transported to a desert island would have no more idea of death than a cat or a plant. <span style="text-align: right;">― Voltaire</span></blockquote>
Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12550587.post-46226045937570849852015-05-27T17:46:00.003+01:002016-04-06T13:21:59.637+01:00Beware rubbish celebrantsI did a crematorium funeral today and got into conversation with one of the staff, someone I've known for years. Heard some horror stories about incompetent celebrants, some trained by organisations, some not trained at all. Any old Tom, Dick or Harriet can set him or herself up as a celebrant; there are no rules. Typical case is someone who's recently retired and thinks it'll be a good way to earn some extra money. One women, who hasn't had any training and doesn't seem to know what she's doing, is "a nightmare," said my friend. She hasn't a clue about time limits or sorting out the music. She'll tell them she's going to do one thing, then do something completely different during the ceremony. Why any funeral director would book her is a mystery. Another, who had been trained but clearly hadn't been advised about presentation, has turned up at funerals looking like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards, stinking like an ash tray. I've also heard recently about a celebrant in the next county who failed to turn up for funerals not once, but twice.<br />
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I was told, as I suspected, that the training organisations aren't too bothered about how many people they train to work in an area, and ours is over-supplied with Civil Celebrants. They're probably unwilling to turn people away and lose the income from their fees, currently £2,220, including VAT, with Civil Ceremonies, or £1,920 with the BHA. When someone's forked out about £2,000 there's possibly a reluctance to fail them - does anyone get a refund if they don't pass? - and some might feel that, having paid all that money, they're entitled to a reasonable amount of work to recoup their expenses. According to one or two people who've paid a lot of money for training, the quality's been disappointing. One applied to train with our team, having felt ill-prepared by what she'd been given elsewhere.<br />
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When I started work as a celebrant, there were no fees (and hardly any celebrants). We've never charged anyone for training within our group, though we're very fussy about accepting trainees. Over the years, an increasing proportion of our work has been repeat business (families we've worked for before), people who've attended one of our ceremonies, or word of mouth recommendations. Years ago, I met someone at a meeting in London, a highly-regarded man who'd been involved with the British Humanist Association since its inception, and told him about how we did things in Suffolk. No fees, but we expect potential trainees to get to know us, and vice versa, and to have all the necessary skills and qualities. It's like an apprenticeship, there's no time limit, and they learn by shadowing experienced celebrants and taking advice from all of us. After they go solo, they can rely on the rest of us for support. "That's the humanist way," said the venerable gentleman, and he was right.<br />
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Hearing my crematorium friend's stories made me realise why the staff always seem pleased to see me; at least they know what to expect. I thanked my driver for coming to collect me and he said, "Any time." Being car-free isn't necessarily a disadvantage if you're any good, it seems.<br />
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Sadly, no one of any real promise has come forward for training with us for some time. Two of us are over seventy, with health problems, and the other has family and work commitments that prevent her from doing many ceremonies, so how much longer we'll be able to carry on, I can't say. There'll be no shortage of celebrants to take funerals in Suffolk when we stop. Some are very good, some are OK, and some are horrid. You only have one opportunity to get a funeral right, so choose carefully. If you were buying a car, you'd shop around, wouldn't you? A funeral is much more important.Margaret Nelsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01493624466366591603noreply@blogger.com0